5 Years Ago

Mom .


5 years ago …..today …this day …..my life changed. My Mom died, I was there, I watched it happened, and since then I have felt different.  So many things changed that I am still not used to it yet,  and everything seems like a haze to me.  In the last 5 years,  I have not had to stand in line at a church in 100 degree heat hoping that me and my family might get enough food to last the last week untill the ” 1st of the month “, but before 2008 this was a regular occurrence. We have had enough for rent and bills, without a worry.  But before 2008 there would be days …..DAYS without anything on the table, nothing in the fridge.  But I was use to that, it was always like that since Mom left Dad in 1981.  Since that day in 2008 I have not said the words “I can’t wait till the 1st of the month “.
I can’t get into the reasons why it was always this way, some of that is private.  Some of it can be blamed on the very thing that KILLED my Mother …….CIGARETTES…..CIGARETTES.
All the money we would get (from where ever ) would first go to them. Yes Mom loved her kids, but she had an addiction, a bad one, that made her make some really bad choices. “Food banks, The Salvation Army and Churches don’t give out cigarettes ” she would say, and she paid the price for that philosophy. She had some other issues I can’t get into, some really messed up stuff that has messed me and Carrie up, more than we would want to admit. It is probably the cause of my Agoraphobia,  yes I go outside, but it takes a lot of effort, and if it was my choice I never would ….yeah I said it.
Like everyone says, Mom raised two great kids, and they are right for the most part, but she also raised, at least one (can’t speak for sis ) a very lost child.  Carrie has found a way to “fit in ” since Mom left, but I have not.  Without sis, I would be lost, with no clue, and that is what Mom raised.  I am polite, courteous, nice, smart, sympathetic, and friendly.  But it is all a mask to hide this anger I have inside, a fire that won’t go out, a burning I have had since I have been a child, anger at the “normal balance kids ” at school, anger at my Dad for not caring and anger at her, for not seeing what was right before her eyes. She was killing herself, killing her family, and killing me, her son.
I am so sorry this is not more ,joyful ,but today is not a celebration, it is a Dirge .


About michaelalexkawa

I love a lot of POPcurture. I am a big TRANSFORMERS fan, have been since 1985. Also love Anime like Pokemon, Project A-ko, K-on!, Evangelion, and The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, to name a few. I love Action Figures......like Duh!!!
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